When you can't find a song with lyrics that fit, fit lyrics to a song you can't lose.
Disturbed the silence in the air
Tossed out another piece of hair
No one else here, I don't care
You say how are you? How are you.
Time has stopped, you're not aware
I've not seen your face yet I don't care
Only your words it's not fair
You know I want too, yeah I want too.
Don't ask why, don't ask why
Another summer in a dream.
I picture your hand it's in mine
bathed in neon at the time
You turn to me I cross the line
Yeah, yeah
Glass is fragile don't reply
I know you want too, you want too.
Don't ask why
Close your eyes to summer's strain
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
You Can't Catch A Mist
You feel it on your on face; the cool refreshing tingle of moisture on your skin. It is there all around you, impairing your vision. It dances between your fingers as you grasp for it. It blows on the breeze as you run after it, fades in the sun before you are aware of it.
You can't catch the mist. All that remains is the loss of the touch upon your skin.
You can't catch the mist. All that remains is the loss of the touch upon your skin.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Doctor Appointment
Saturday #1 asked if I would take her to a doctors appointment downtown. She didn't know the area and didn't want to go alone. I picked her and her son Luchi up at 11:00. Luchi was nervous at first. He will be three years old next month and it had been a while since he saw me. I had come prepared though. I pulled some Lego guys out of the armrest storage compartment and handed them to him. Quickly he was quiet and happy while we maneuvered are way to the inter most areas of Detroit.
The heat of the day was already climbing though not yet noon. We passed overgrown playgrounds and empty buildings but you don't see a lot of people. We found the office with time to spare. It was a surprisingly well kept building on the outskirts of the downtown medical district.
"Can you take him to McDonalds or something while I'm here?"
"Are you kidding. It is the middle of Detroit. There are no McDonalds," I said.
"He can't stay in the car the whole time."
"I'll figure something out."
#1 got out and I continued deeper into the city. I don't come downtown very often but today I had a good idea of where I was and where we could go. I pulled into an empty parking lot. An Indian man wearing a blue turban came out of the valet booth and asked how long I was going to be. I said an hour. His English was poor and I had a hard time understanding him as we dickered over the price.
He glanced in my wallet as I shuffled through my money. "Give me $10 and I will give you $4 when you return.
"How about I just give you $6 now."
I helped Luchi out. He gathered up the Lego guys in one hand and held mine with the other. We left my shiny new red Charger alone and looking out of place and headed out into the city. We were near the courthouse. Tall buildings surrounded us and kept Luchi busy by pointing out the various buildings. I was afraid he would be scared without his mom but we were on an adventure and he was fine.
We talked as we walked along. "Mommy at the doctors?"
"Yes your mommy is at the doctors. Have you been to the doctors?"
"Umm hmm."
"Did he listen to your heart?"
"He fixed my finger."
"He fixed your finger? That's right the doctor is going to fix mommy's finger too."
We were headed for Coney Island, a famous little dive dinner on the corner of Lafayette and Griswald. As we approached the restaurant we saw a black man sprawled out on his stomach on the sidewalk. His head was resting on a folded jacket. Pigeons pecked at scraps on the cement around him. He was wearing only one shoe. On the other foot was a stark white sock. I found myself wonder how the bums sock could be so clean if he was walking around the city in it.
"He's dead, " Luci said matter-of-factly.
"No Luch, he's is just sleeping." I hoped. "Lets walk by quietly so we don't wake him."
We entered the restaurant and sat at the counter. The servers and two men at the counter were all middle eastern and kept up a steady conversation in their native tongue while we ordered hot dogs and french fries. Luchi was more interested in playing with his toys then eating. Each time I would encourage him to eat he would tell me , " I'm fine." He was no trouble though and seemed to be enjoying his adventure.
#1 called to check in. "What are you doing? Where you at? Is he ok?" I assured her we were fine and asked what food she would want us to bring back for her.
Toward the end of our meal Luchi figured out that the orange counter stool he was sitting on could spin. He would spin the stool fast and the stool would vibrate. He would laugh and giggle as I immated the sound and tried copying me with his own lips.
Time went by quickly and we ordered chili cheese fries to go for his mom. Luchi carried them back to the car being sure to tell me to be quiet as we walked past the sleeping bum. It reminded of when my kids were young. Three years old is such a magical age where everthing can be made into an adventure and conversations are delightful because you never know what they will say.
We returned to the doctor's office and #1 walked out a few moments later. As we pulled back out Luchi asked, "did he fix your finger mom?"
#1 looked at me confused for a moment, she had been going for a female exam. I quickly explained that was what doctors do and she played along, showing her indexing at her son and flexing it. "See all better."
Together they devoured the chili fries on the way home. I was a little sad when I dropped them off but it was fun. It reminded me briefly of when we all lived together.
The heat of the day was already climbing though not yet noon. We passed overgrown playgrounds and empty buildings but you don't see a lot of people. We found the office with time to spare. It was a surprisingly well kept building on the outskirts of the downtown medical district.
"Can you take him to McDonalds or something while I'm here?"
"Are you kidding. It is the middle of Detroit. There are no McDonalds," I said.
"He can't stay in the car the whole time."
"I'll figure something out."
#1 got out and I continued deeper into the city. I don't come downtown very often but today I had a good idea of where I was and where we could go. I pulled into an empty parking lot. An Indian man wearing a blue turban came out of the valet booth and asked how long I was going to be. I said an hour. His English was poor and I had a hard time understanding him as we dickered over the price.
He glanced in my wallet as I shuffled through my money. "Give me $10 and I will give you $4 when you return.
"How about I just give you $6 now."
I helped Luchi out. He gathered up the Lego guys in one hand and held mine with the other. We left my shiny new red Charger alone and looking out of place and headed out into the city. We were near the courthouse. Tall buildings surrounded us and kept Luchi busy by pointing out the various buildings. I was afraid he would be scared without his mom but we were on an adventure and he was fine.
We talked as we walked along. "Mommy at the doctors?"
"Yes your mommy is at the doctors. Have you been to the doctors?"
"Umm hmm."
"Did he listen to your heart?"
"He fixed my finger."
"He fixed your finger? That's right the doctor is going to fix mommy's finger too."
We were headed for Coney Island, a famous little dive dinner on the corner of Lafayette and Griswald. As we approached the restaurant we saw a black man sprawled out on his stomach on the sidewalk. His head was resting on a folded jacket. Pigeons pecked at scraps on the cement around him. He was wearing only one shoe. On the other foot was a stark white sock. I found myself wonder how the bums sock could be so clean if he was walking around the city in it.
"He's dead, " Luci said matter-of-factly.
"No Luch, he's is just sleeping." I hoped. "Lets walk by quietly so we don't wake him."
We entered the restaurant and sat at the counter. The servers and two men at the counter were all middle eastern and kept up a steady conversation in their native tongue while we ordered hot dogs and french fries. Luchi was more interested in playing with his toys then eating. Each time I would encourage him to eat he would tell me , " I'm fine." He was no trouble though and seemed to be enjoying his adventure.
#1 called to check in. "What are you doing? Where you at? Is he ok?" I assured her we were fine and asked what food she would want us to bring back for her.
Toward the end of our meal Luchi figured out that the orange counter stool he was sitting on could spin. He would spin the stool fast and the stool would vibrate. He would laugh and giggle as I immated the sound and tried copying me with his own lips.
Time went by quickly and we ordered chili cheese fries to go for his mom. Luchi carried them back to the car being sure to tell me to be quiet as we walked past the sleeping bum. It reminded of when my kids were young. Three years old is such a magical age where everthing can be made into an adventure and conversations are delightful because you never know what they will say.
We returned to the doctor's office and #1 walked out a few moments later. As we pulled back out Luchi asked, "did he fix your finger mom?"
#1 looked at me confused for a moment, she had been going for a female exam. I quickly explained that was what doctors do and she played along, showing her indexing at her son and flexing it. "See all better."
Together they devoured the chili fries on the way home. I was a little sad when I dropped them off but it was fun. It reminded me briefly of when we all lived together.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Born To Be Down
And you just don't get it
You keep it copaceti
And you learn to accept it
You know its so pathetic--Bound For The Floor, Local H
We are driven by the same basic instincts anger, happiness, sadness and fear. You can paint people together with the broad strokes yet no one can predict how each of us will react to the minute. The glance from across the room, the missed phone call, the ripple on the water-- the change our lives. We are complex. Often we don't even know our own reasons. We hide. We hide behind complex constructs of who we think we are, who we want to be, who we are told we are.
I like to believe that more then fate brings us together, that more then our will drives us. Sometimes we are gently guide away from the edge, sometimes our lesson is to fall. I don't know how I got here. My past is mostly forgotten. My future uncertain. I could use a nudge now.
You keep it copaceti
And you learn to accept it
You know its so pathetic--Bound For The Floor, Local H
We are driven by the same basic instincts anger, happiness, sadness and fear. You can paint people together with the broad strokes yet no one can predict how each of us will react to the minute. The glance from across the room, the missed phone call, the ripple on the water-- the change our lives. We are complex. Often we don't even know our own reasons. We hide. We hide behind complex constructs of who we think we are, who we want to be, who we are told we are.
I like to believe that more then fate brings us together, that more then our will drives us. Sometimes we are gently guide away from the edge, sometimes our lesson is to fall. I don't know how I got here. My past is mostly forgotten. My future uncertain. I could use a nudge now.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Reflections
A picture in time. I don't remember the date. Just the period of my life. I remember driving my 1972 Cutlass Supreme north on Jefferson between Hall Road and 21 mile. The car so waxed and polished I could drive from the reflection of the road shining up at me from the hood.
I loved that car. I remember staring into the hood looking at the reflection and thinking, something just isn't right. I was doing all the right things, working hard, building a career, building a family yet something was wrong. I was doing what I was supposed to do-- not what I wanted to do.
The refection of the road, the oncoming cars, the deep blue sky all had the underlying golden hue of the cars body color. But you can't drive by staring at the reflection. I bought a new car this week; a dark red Dodge Charger. It has been nine years since I got a new car. Nine troubled years.
I can mark periods of my life by the cars I've owned. Perhaps this new Charger will mark a new period.
I loved that car. I remember staring into the hood looking at the reflection and thinking, something just isn't right. I was doing all the right things, working hard, building a career, building a family yet something was wrong. I was doing what I was supposed to do-- not what I wanted to do.
The refection of the road, the oncoming cars, the deep blue sky all had the underlying golden hue of the cars body color. But you can't drive by staring at the reflection. I bought a new car this week; a dark red Dodge Charger. It has been nine years since I got a new car. Nine troubled years.
I can mark periods of my life by the cars I've owned. Perhaps this new Charger will mark a new period.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Aware
When I was eighteen, my first girlfriend's life was always in crisis. She was out on her own, with a crappy $500 car and a job as a waitress. I can't remember how many different places she lived during the time we dated. I would save her but nothing ever seemed to change. She broke up with me when I was away doing a 9 month college internship in another city.
When I met my ex-wife she was living at home and failing high school. I convinced her to study helped her get her GED and she went on to college. She stayed with me long after she stopped loving me. She left me when she didn't need me anymore. Looking back, I felt her lack of need long before. It is what made me feel unhappy in the marriage.
It is a pattern that has played out all my adult life, over and over again. I was blissfully unaware of it. Even as I began to see the pattern I was not fully aware of what it meant about me-- until now. Ignorance of the law may not be an excuse but I believe ignorance of your motivations can be. When we are dealing with ourselves things are not that black and white.
When you do understand, when the veil is lifted and you see yourself-- when you see what you are doing to yourself you are left with a choice-- change or continue to repeat the pattern. It is not really a choice because the pattern has left me empty, depressed and broken. So I need to change. It sounds easy but knowing what is wrong does not mean you know how to do things right.
In my case I am left with a void. A void I need to fill. With little experience. There is no one that needs me more right now then me. It is not fulfilling the way it is when I help someone else. I don't know my answers.
When I met my ex-wife she was living at home and failing high school. I convinced her to study helped her get her GED and she went on to college. She stayed with me long after she stopped loving me. She left me when she didn't need me anymore. Looking back, I felt her lack of need long before. It is what made me feel unhappy in the marriage.
It is a pattern that has played out all my adult life, over and over again. I was blissfully unaware of it. Even as I began to see the pattern I was not fully aware of what it meant about me-- until now. Ignorance of the law may not be an excuse but I believe ignorance of your motivations can be. When we are dealing with ourselves things are not that black and white.
When you do understand, when the veil is lifted and you see yourself-- when you see what you are doing to yourself you are left with a choice-- change or continue to repeat the pattern. It is not really a choice because the pattern has left me empty, depressed and broken. So I need to change. It sounds easy but knowing what is wrong does not mean you know how to do things right.
In my case I am left with a void. A void I need to fill. With little experience. There is no one that needs me more right now then me. It is not fulfilling the way it is when I help someone else. I don't know my answers.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Onion
I have been forced to peel back the layers and examine my motives, examine what drives me-- to the brink of insanity. It's funny, the layers unfold, clinical analysis leads to irrefutable truth. I have a co-dependent personality.
#1 fed right into my disorder. Her issues mirrored mine so well I could not help but become addicted. Now comes the hard part, striving for something different. I've had dysfunctional relationships all my life. I don't know what healthy is like. I am not sure that I will respond to healthy.
Then there is still the past. When I peel back the layers of the recent past what will be at the core? I want there to be something. I want it all to make sense. You'd like it all to mean more then just a lesson in failure.
#1 fed right into my disorder. Her issues mirrored mine so well I could not help but become addicted. Now comes the hard part, striving for something different. I've had dysfunctional relationships all my life. I don't know what healthy is like. I am not sure that I will respond to healthy.
Then there is still the past. When I peel back the layers of the recent past what will be at the core? I want there to be something. I want it all to make sense. You'd like it all to mean more then just a lesson in failure.
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