So I have been sequestering myself to my home. No, not due to the swine flu epidemic. Coming to terms with the fact that I might have been wrong. I wanted to be right. Everybody else probably already knew.

But I tried-- that counts for something.

Where Is Waldo

They've found personal items from the victims in the Craigslist killer's home. The Craigslist killer's fiancee claims he is innocent. Is that what settling is like?

My friends worry about me. They are all coupling up, growing older, settling down. They don't want to see me left behind.

"I've gone out on dates with three different women in the last two months. I'm trying."

"I don't think you are trying hard enough." #1 replies.

She doesn't know how hard it is for me to try though.

Truth is, I think about it. I feel them slipping away. I know I close myself off from people. I know I hold on too tightly to those I do let in. I know that I am a mess right now. I know that I am not great at the best of times. It is impossible to attract someone when you are in pieces unless they are in pieces too.

I am tired of people asking me how I am. I don't know. Actually that is not correct, I do know. I struggle-- everyday. I just don't know how to change it.

The weather is getting nicer. Soon everyone will be outside having fun. I want to have fun too. The sky is clear today but I am not ready to be outside. I am not ready to see another summer fade away.

Built

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah--Fine Again, Seether

I am stuck in traffic. My eyes drift above the cars and scan the iron gray clouded skies above. It's funny how seldom I look up and notice the overwhelming presence of the skies. Today they threaten rain, hail and mayhem. A mixture I wish I was home to enjoy.

Later, I am waiting at the bar of the restaurant for the Killers Girl to arrive. She gives me a wave. There is a lack of enthusiasm as she draws close for what seems like an obligatory hug. We chat over a meal. The conversation is good but I don't feel a spark between us. Not from me, not from her-- nothing to grasp.

I think back to last week. #1 and I are sitting across from each other eating lunch. Her hair is freshly streaked with shades of blond. "Why don't you just settle?" She asks. "Sam and I both think you are too picky."

Obviously I was the topic of conversation during her hair appointment. I wonder to myself, "Are you settling?"

After my date I am on the freeway driving home. The rain has passed. The gray skies are gone, replaced by the black of night. I am thinking about the date. I am wondering if it is me, have I lost my ability to love? Are my feelings contorted? Are my expectations warped to far for me to ever find someone?

I glance over. One million people in the metro Detroit area and yet there is #1 driving next to me. I call her. She asks about my date; asks me what is wrong with Killers Girl.

"Nothing," I reply.

"So don't complain to me about being alone." She says, inferring it is me.

"I am just not built that way."

There is nothing there to grasp. Killers Girl does not know me, does not accept me despite the problems revealed here. She does not know them; these are not the things you show to someone new. There is no overwhelming physical attraction.

So I am alone.

Update

Max is sitting next to me on the bed. He has had a hard time lately sleeping over on the weekends. He says he misses his mom. He was bit by their relatively new dog a few weeks back and they ended up giving the dog to the Humane Society. He has been upset about that also. They are getting a new dog, he says-- a questionable move on the part of my ex. I hope she uses a bit more discretion this time.

Twin B, who I like to think of as the oldest child because he is bigger, even though he was the second one born has been arguing with his mom-- a lot. She wants him to come live with me. I have no problem with that. I think it is time he did though I will have to adjust me schedule a bit. He has spent time here before. If he moves in THIS time I am making sure it is more permanent. I do not feel like paying from him to live there and him not being there. I already spend too much on child support.

This post is straight to the point. I am running short on time and don't feel like adding the usual descriptive colorings. That will come later.

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

...I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like somethings gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry, well...

My emotions are bottled up tight, seldom more then a defused anger escapes. I don't even know if the targets are justified or why it is there to begin with. This is what I do, I pull away--my motives buried so deep my analyst takes an hour to scratch the surface.

...don't just stand there, say nice things to me
cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged, but you
you don't know me, yeah, well I can't change
Well, I won't do anything at all... Push, Matchbox 20

"What would it be like to have someone love you more then you love them?" She asks.

"I don't know. I've never had that problem. The first word that comes to mind is responsibility. I would be afraid of hurting them."

"Like you've been hurt." She adds.

We talk around the question. It's true. I've never been with someone who loved me more. I would not be comfortable with it. A flaw that goes back to not loving myself and others not being there for me.

Then I came up with an answer. "I have a friend Alexis, she picked up a couple of books for me while she was out shopping yesterday. She saw them, knew I would like me and picked them up for me. For no reason. That is what it is like. They know you and they think about you when you are not around. They don't get you a gift that they think you need but one they know you would like."

I guess the answer should have been easy for me. I needed to look at myself. When I love someone, they are on my mind and I take the time to know them and I try to make them happy.

So I know now what is bothering me and why. I started this post wondering if I made a difference. Now I know I have. Yesterday all it took was a casual question, a couple of prizes and I realized-- there would be a void.

See The Show

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends We're so glad you could attend Come inside! Come inside!-- Karn Evil 9 (First Impression Part 2), Emerson Lake And Palmer

Is this entertaining? Everybody reads and I keep writing. I keep writing because this is the only outlet I have that I don't delete. I'm proud of the overall content; so I don't let it go.

And everybody reads. What are you looking for? Why do you keep coming back? I don't really trust people's motives. I don't even trust my own. It would be hypocritical if I did. I don't write everything here. My life is like an HBO series. What gets printed here is prime time after 9:00 pm. I am protecting myself protecting those around me.

The world around me keeps changing and I struggle to hold on to what I know. I don't want the cast to change. The villain, the friends the love interest. Maybe this program has jumped the shark. I do feel a little long in the tooth. All that's left is a surprising grand finally. I don't think you'll get that, though the dramatic in me wants it that way.

Still, everybody reads and they get a glimpse of how I feel, where I'm at. Sometimes I wish I could get a glimpse of those around me. What are they thinking inside? Do I really want to know?

Another

I got another tattoo. #1 got a job working the counter of a tattoo shop. I told her it was a good thing for her. It is. I also said it was like a drug addict working at a crack house but it seems I was the first to get more ink. I wanted a Chinese dragon but not one that looked unrealistic. I want a cross between a western and an eastern dragon. I showed the artist my works. They were totally not fit for the location I wanted to put the dragon.

He drew up a variation. It looked good. So I got it. I am done for a while now, though #1 still talks of several different ones she'd like to get. I think I will wait until the boys are adults. If they want to all get something then I will get another.

I go to the office the next day. The new boss is at his desk and I go to the bathroom to apply some A&D ointment to the dragon. It is on my chest. Suddenly the new Chinese boss comes out of one of the stall like Houdini. How he got there before me is still a mystery. My co-worker insists the Chinese are just sneaky by nature.

He saw the tattoo. He is no a fan of body art. We ended up in a long discussion about it. He said he would never allow his daughter to get a tattoo. I hope she does not get influenced by the new culture in which she live or he will be a bit disappointed.

(#1 had to quit the job since I first wrote this. The boss was trying to screw her over but she has gotten another tattoo)

In The Dark

The bar is mostly empty. They have turned the lights down--getting ready for the evening crowd I suppose though they never seem to get there. This bar was her idea. It is a smoke free environment, which is something that is important to her.

She arrives late. Doesn't apologizes. Her greeting is stiff and formal. While we talk, I notice her eyes darting away to look around. She is of Asian decent, Indian to be precise but was born and has lived in the states her whole life. Other Asian might use the derogatory term "banana" to describe her (white on the inside, yellow on the outside).

She is pretty and I am floored when she tells me she is 40 years old. We had not spoken about age before and I would have guessed her to be in her low thirties but her body language is confusing. Though she says she enjoyed the evening I see little real interest in her eyes and her words and actions over the next few days leaves me less interested too.

Outside right now it is snowing. The first week of April but it looks like February. Tonight I am supposed to meet the Killers fan for dinner. I have been looking forward to seeing her again for more then a week now. I hope she is more interesting.

Shimmer

I rolled over and regarded her. The half-light from the open doorway played across her face. It was just like old times.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"My bed misses me." She replies in an attempt to avoid the question.

It was the second night in a row her and her son had spent with me though she had moved out over a month ago and was already into a serious new relationship.

"No seriously, what are you doing here?"

She tries to explain how she is never alone where she lives now. How there is always someone there. When I say, 'I'm here'. She tells me that it's different.

"You can't stay here," I tell her. Knowing in my heart I wanted her to stay, even if it was only temporary, even if it only brought me more pain--which it would.

I was happy to have her with me for the moment but there was more she was not telling me. She's a runner and the guy she is with now is trying to pin her down. Perhaps she was scared. We discussed it often. She sees clingy and controlling as, "he won't cheat". That is not true. She is strong willed, she will see it for what it is--someday.

* * *

We sit in my truck behind her work after having eaten a quick dinner. She tells me he asked her to marry him. They are going to do it right away. I am shocked. Not shocked that he asked, shocked that she agreed but I know I should not be. She has wanted to be married for a long time. I am not sure what drives it-- fear or a lack of confidence would be my guess. Birds of a feather flock together after all.

"You knew I was going to marry him. The psychic said so." I've grown to hate that psychic.

"No actually I always thought you would fuck up and come back to me." Perhaps that is just what I wanted to believe.

I tried to tell her she is too young and there was no reason to rush anything but I could tell I was wasting my words on deaf ears. She wants me to be happy for her. I'm trying. I do want her to be safe. I do want her to be happy and to have a future.

"When you are all happily ever-after," I start. "You better not forget about me."

"I haven't so far, have I?" She replies-- but that is not an answer. I know she will have to let me go. I cannot play the same part in her life.

As I drive home, I can't keep from wondering to myself-- Who is going to need me now?

We're here and now, but will we ever be again?
Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

It's too far away for me to hold, too far away

It's too far away for me to hold Its too far away... Guess I'll let it go-- Shimmer, Fuel

Fake It

No one has the answers. Few even understand the problem. People get tired of seeing it. People get tired of hearing about it. "All you need to do is blah, blah, blah..."

Advice given so easily by others may seem monumental to you. One thing I've learned about depression is that it is better left hidden because when everything boils down you are on your own.

My distant friend echoed my thoughts.

"In general, people who have never been depressed don't understand the illness--they can't, and you should kindly tolerate their ignorance. For those of us who have been depressed, we empathize better, but honestly, no one is going through your pain but you. That is a sad, but undeniable fact."

There are no directions. You can look up how to fix your sink on the internet but not how to fix your life. Nothing is guaranteed to make you happy, not pills, not a partner, not a career or money. You are supposed to make you happy. It is all about you! What if you just don't get that?

Good god you're com'in up with reasons
Good god you're dragging it out
Good god it's the changing of the seasons
I feel so raped
so follow me down!

And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong
Fake it if you feel like infection
Woah you're such a fuck'in hypocrite-- Fake It, Seether