Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb, or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought, or a word, or a sentence
There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they've always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things I say
But I say them anyway...Ain't No Reason, Brett Dennen
The war of words continues because obviously it is easier to communicate indirectly. Instead I'll justify my actions here--for if I get support from the outside world therefore I am right.
#1: "Boy she thinks you're some kind of stud; she doesn't know you at all does she."
* * *
Sam and I are at Applebees-- again. My post divorce life is a litany of restaurants. Sam met up with the ex-husband of Alexis last night. It seems he has found it in his heart to make friends with everyone from his past; everyone but me and Alexis I mean. I seem to be second on his people to hate list. He hardly knows. If he did he'd realize I've never really said or done anything against him. I actually can relate to his situation. I am also a victim of divorce. In fact, I do not always condon Alexis' action and often tell her so. Despite that, he's sure I've had sex with Alexis and Sam, or at least tried (for the record I haven't). Sam came to my defense though, telling him she didn't want to hear it, that I am the most harmless person she knows. I think that a complement-- I suppose. I am not heartbroken by his animosity. I do think it is sad to see how much divorce can consume someone.
Our conversation wandered, the way it often does. We talked about her condo, mutual friends, our jobs. She asked if I was still going to California over Thanksgiving. "No, that isn't working out," I said.
We talked about #1 and how well she is doing in college. Sam is proud of her too. Our conversation brought back to mind the issues Pandora had with the relationship between #1 and I. She never understood it. I guess I can't say I blame Pandora. I don't think #1 or I can explain it either.
At one point I tell Sam, "I'd do anything for #1 if it helps her get through college. I don't know how she'd feel if I just suddenly broke off contact with her."
"And you shouldn't, " she replies. "Like you said, she is one of your closest friends. I think she'd be crushed."
I smile self consciously, a bit in disbelief but Sam knows us both. Half the time #1 has known me she tried keeping a distance between me and the rest of her life, somehow I found my way in. She trusts me with her secrets. I am one of the people she counts on. When I look at her life, that does not include very many people. That makes me special, too some. That is something I don't take lightly.
When it comes to others I have learned to ask myself, what void would my absence create in that other person's life. The answer points my way.
I told Pandora that I think she would not get along with my female friends. A statement that I still stand by. A perfect example is when Wendy said I attract crazy girls and Pandora took specific offense to it. I wonder how well those two would get along in the same room.
Truth is, we are all a bit crazy, some of us more then others. The closer we get to each other, the more we see it. Some people can look past the craziness and see the value underneath, sometimes the craziness blends. Sometimes, I laugh so hard I surprise myself, I have to treasure what sparks it.
