What Do You Want Me To Say?

What do you want me to say...

I get a text.  "I need you to be there for me today..as best you can.  I'm asking. Please."

"What's wrong?"  I reply.

I'm left wondering whether she's come to some new decision about us.  Is she moving back to New Jersey?  Has her ex made her an offer she can't refuse?  Is she sick or someone close to her sick?

"If we could go back to pre-Vegas and just be friends are you okay with that?" She asks.

"Yes.  What is wrong with you?"

So the old boyfriend has gotten to her, I'm thinking. But no, he hasn't and I gave the wrong answer.  It was a test.  A test I should have seen.  Pandora is a pro at thinking things without saying them. Which includes not saying things she thinks you don't want to here.  I still hear them.  I hear them in the words she writes, in the things she does say and in the long silent pauses in our conversation.

"I want to be a positive influence in your life,"  I tell her.  I was-- until Vegas.  She says she is ambivalent about a relationship with me.  I tell her she is misusing the word and she is being chaotic.  One person is not the solution to all of life's problems.  You cannot forget yourself when you are in love.  It opens you up to regret or being alone.

She is stumbling out of some bar five thousand miles away, breaking down on the street.  I am not there but I am the cause.  She loves me.  She doesn't know me.  Four days does not reveal me.

I want to be a positive influence in her life; I want her to be a positive influence in my life...we're not.