Treading Water

"So what happened to going to Royal Oak?" #1 asks, after I recount the mediocrity of my Sunday.

Her question implies more then she says. Things like; "why aren't you getting out more, you said you'd have a girlfriend by the end of the summer" and "you're wasting your time with this recent infatuation."

"I've been busy." I reply lamely and I rattle off time spent with my boys.

She's intently coloring in the free booklet the restaurant gave us to occupy her son. He is content with his new dinosaur book and is ignoring her encouraging requests to join her. I regard them while they play together, waiting for the food to arrive. His little mouth and chin are identical to hers. His pale skin a stark contrast to her deep rich tan.

She told me once during a fit of angry text that I would always be alone. Though she would say she didn't mean it now it's probably closer to the way she feels. Not that she thinks I deserve to be alone. No, she would probably say I want to be that way.

After dinner, I drive home alone. I think about Pandora, so far away, lost in her own world of pain. Sifting through her own set of emotions. She has given me something to look forward too. A day in the sun. A night beneath neon where nothing and everything can be real. I count down the days and wonder what life will be like when I return.

I can not shed a tear for the way life is right now and that is the way it is supposed to be. The murky water won't let me see beyond the surface. The muck churned up hides the bottom. Leaves me taking each step in trepidation. Feeling for sharp stones. Hoping to find lost treasures. Wondering where the drop off begins. Not knowing whether I should head for shore or swim to sea.

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be.. Diary Of Jane, Breaking Benjamin