She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

...I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like somethings gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry, well...

My emotions are bottled up tight, seldom more then a defused anger escapes. I don't even know if the targets are justified or why it is there to begin with. This is what I do, I pull away--my motives buried so deep my analyst takes an hour to scratch the surface.

...don't just stand there, say nice things to me
cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged, but you
you don't know me, yeah, well I can't change
Well, I won't do anything at all... Push, Matchbox 20

"What would it be like to have someone love you more then you love them?" She asks.

"I don't know. I've never had that problem. The first word that comes to mind is responsibility. I would be afraid of hurting them."

"Like you've been hurt." She adds.

We talk around the question. It's true. I've never been with someone who loved me more. I would not be comfortable with it. A flaw that goes back to not loving myself and others not being there for me.

Then I came up with an answer. "I have a friend Alexis, she picked up a couple of books for me while she was out shopping yesterday. She saw them, knew I would like me and picked them up for me. For no reason. That is what it is like. They know you and they think about you when you are not around. They don't get you a gift that they think you need but one they know you would like."

I guess the answer should have been easy for me. I needed to look at myself. When I love someone, they are on my mind and I take the time to know them and I try to make them happy.

So I know now what is bothering me and why. I started this post wondering if I made a difference. Now I know I have. Yesterday all it took was a casual question, a couple of prizes and I realized-- there would be a void.