I am

I've been avoiding this blog, avoiding myself. Back in the summer I found myself becoming completely depressed. One day I found myself going through the motions of suicide. I had take a bunch of sleeping pills drank a few beers and was wondering toward the garage. All the while I was asking myself what was I doing and still doing it. Sarah Moon saved me that day, though I don't know if she realizes it. I love you Sarah.

#1 moved into my house in September. She breathed life into the house. I switched my focus onto her and didn't have time for my depression. So it lay dormant-- but not gone. I felt good in a lot of ways but I was chasing a dream I couldn't have. I asked her to move out two weeks ago. She left quietly. I miss her. I miss the joy she gave to me. The joy I can not seem to provide myself.

It was right but it was hard. I was falling apart. We are still friends and for that I am grateful. I still love her deeply and I know she loves me too. I was left with nothing but myself and I crashed. I feel deeper then during my divorce. It seems these spells get worse each time. I have avoided my issues and the pain associated with them all my life. Trying to fill the void with others. I am working on it now. I've returned to therapy. I had to. I had no future, no joy no passions of my own. I'd let them all slip away.

I miss my blog. I miss my blog friends. Hopefully some will return.