Failed

“I don’t,” I uttered, knowing once the words came out there would be no taking them back. “I don’t want you living here anymore”.

She immediately started packing in reaction. I told her over text and over the phone she could stay until she made other arrangements. I wouldn’t send her out into the cold, I still cared for her.

I didn’t kick you out because I don’t care, just the opposite but you probably don’t understand, I texted her.

Things had been building, little things, disappointments, arguments. L told me to look at the relationship. Make a mental list; what was I getting from the relationship, what was I giving. The scales were terribly out of balance. I was willing to settle, I knew she was thrown into the situation. I tried making it her home. I wanted it to be OUR home. I provided her with security, help and love while fostering a pain I could not adequately express.

I feel guilty, though I know I gave her all, I failed her. I made a promise I couldn’t keep. Something I’ve never done before. I wanted to be the person she could count on. The burden was more then I could bear. My biggest mistake was allowing her to move in, allowing her to trust that I could keep this promise too.

I gave her everything I could, a home, a good environment for her son, a chance to do something with her life. I made sacrifices she will never know took risks she will never appreciate, but being needed wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to be wanted, wanted the way I want her but you can’t make someone love you.

My counselor said to me once, “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you”. It is a lesson I still need to learn.